Change.

a : to make different in some particular : alter <never bothered to change the will>  b : to make radically different : transform <can’t change human nature>  c : to give a different position, course, or direction to

Have been avoiding blogging.  Trying to find the right words to excite, inspire and share.  And last night the answers came.  They came in forms of people.  Questioning.  Smiling.  And with a couple true, pure and real hugs.

Its been 3 weeks.  3 weeks since one of my best friends and I stepped onto different paths and in different directions.  And this is the first time that life has presented me with something this ‘heart affecting.’  Because of that change, farm life is here again.  And solitary thought-the way of life.

Hard work.  Constant work.  Physical labor work.  Marketing work.  Then golf.  Bikes.  Bikes.  Bikes.  Cleaning.  Organizing.  Reading.  And writing.  Anything actually, anything to keep my mind off of the obvious:  someone’s presence being missed.

Journal entry June 17th:

‘I’m sad today.  My heart has been heavy, weighing eternities.  My family trying to help by calling.  Yet, how do you fix the disappearance of your second half.  My feet drag.  Smiling hasn’t been one of my favorite things.  Trying to stay busy.  Up and at the course golfing at 7am.  Cans returned.  Basement cleaned.  Made bread.  Fixed lunch.  And I can’t keep my mind off of him.  My thoughts keep trying to figure out relationships and effort.  How to communicate.  How long to endure.  Hurting.  Can’t look most people in the eyes for fear of tearing up.  People ask about him.  Mom emails me.  I wake up sqeezing Sven (teddy bear) unable to let go through the night.

Rationality tells me time will answer my questions.  All I have is time.  I try to think about bikes, jobs, golf, friends, etc.  It works for awhile.  Then I realize I’m alone…..once again.’

Attention isn’t what I’m seeking while sharing this.  Honesty is.  Many of times in life I’ve questioned my friends for feeling/acting the way they did because of another person.  I nod in knowing why now.  Apologies for it taking this long to understand.

In the stage of learning who I am as an individual again.  Seen alone, met alone, spoke to alone.  Living alone.  Cooking alone.  Listening to music alone.   Thinking constantly, QUESTIONING everything, brewing thoughts but how to express them?  How to take this pressure off of my chest when thinking of his smile?

This is life. Real, exciting, passionately filled life.  Feeling it and not blocking it out, that’s something new.  Letting go and looking forward, much easier typed then lived.  Character defining tho.

All above, is the short wordy version of why there haven’t been updated blogs.  Wish it was easier explained but the emotion felt can’t be described by a thousand dictionaries or a million thesauruses.  You probably understand.

 

 

 

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About haileerustad

I love everything. I do things differently. Tending to avoid conformity. Accepting unknown adventure whenever its presented. My mission is to live, let life flow through me with endless energy. Exciting and empowering others to find their natural happiness. As life is, all perception.
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One Response to Change.

  1. Joan Rustad-Huisman says:

    Have an idea of the emotions/feelings/thoughts going on in your head and your heart. Leaving very close friends behind after 5 1/2 yrs in Australia was hard on the heart. I felt heavy and sad and lonely for nearly a year. Had a special visitor in that time and realized the time apart was good for clearing my mind and heart. It wasn’t to be. But I didn’t know that until time apart.
    Sometimes it is meant to be and that is so very special. I wish you truth and clarity and eventually joy, Hailee.

    love joan

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